June 2010
1 post
May 2009
45 posts
Remaking
In lonely October I decided I had enough, packed up only a fragment of my life for the wilds of recreation.
I’m still on that journey now, still traveling north, as the leaves are ripped from branches on gusts and spiral down without care of Time.
I’m still searching for something, making connections with each mile passed, but I never look back in my own way.
At least not at that ...
“And bending down beside the glowing bars, / Murmur, a little sadly, how Love...”
– William Butler Yeats
I want...
To drag my feet in the sand along the shore, as the fire red sun sets for a wild night, gyrations on a smoky dance floor, where I lose my inhibitions, briefly, and become something I am not during the day, free from an exacting intellect, free from burdens that sit with me even as the sky colours delight my imagination. I want to raise my hands in the air, body flailing as I embody the beat,...
Too many women are dying during pregnancy in... →
“And in my best behavior / I am really just like him / Look beneath the...”
– Johne Wayne Gacy Jr., Sufjan Stevens
Where
Where do you go when you’re feeling like there is nowhere to go? Where do you go when you feel trapped? Where do you go when you’re stuck waiting for a decision? I don’t know exactly. That’s what I have been trying to figure out these past few days. To dark places I have gone, tears a torrent stream down my face. To places of lightness I too have visited, my imagination...
Grab the nearest book, turn to page 29 and put...
“I witness the corpse with its dabbled hair, I note where the pistol has fallen.” - Leaves of Grass, Walt Whitman
“Imagination can’t create anything new, can it? It only recycles bits and...”
– Harper, Angels in America: Millennium Approaches
On a Grey Day...
You listen to Grizzly Bear and your spirits soar.
Hey, Look! I'm mostly here to be eye candy. →
And...
I have so much to give the world. My imagination. My eye and voice for the fallen and silent. My vision for the future. My love of so many things. My thirst for knowledge. I could list on and on what I can give to the world and what it needs, if vulnerability was not yet stuck in the lines of my face.
The Death (of Part of Myself)
The most unwelcome sense of failure hovers over me. My ego lies in agony at my feet, slain by reality. I once thought I’d reach the Moon on a pair of wings, but now I wonder if I’ll ever get there in a spaceship. This vast and impenetrable dischantment soon enters and I feel all of the air leaving my lungs. I gasp, gasp for air, but cannot seem to catch my breath. And yet, I do not...
“Murder is unique in that it abolishes the party it injures, so that society has...”
– W.H. Auden, 1946 (From Lapham’s Quarterly, Spring 2009)
Wanton
He looked at me. Just stared at me and I felt his piercing gaze. As if he could see right through my flesh to my innards, to the insecurities firing across synapses in my brain. Oddly, I was turned on. Maybe because of the mystery he exuded, or maybe because I felt impenetrable for so long..ing for that understanding, soul connection.
Democracy in Russia? Not if you are LGBT. →
Rearranging Things
I am trying to rearrange my thoughts before bed, but seem to be failing, unable to come to a comfortable place. Maybe I’ll just have to will myself to cut through a veil that seems to be obscuring this content. Or maybe I just have to embrace the feeling, for now; just embrace it, knowing in the future it will be lifted. I will accomplish things.
But in the short term: will I dream tonite?
“But that was war. Just about all he could find in its favor was that it paid...”
– Joseph Heller (via cranberri)
The Disease
Her body is even different: waif-like, with a gaunt face overwhelmed by cerulean saucers that gaze absently in every direction.
“I made love to myself in the mirror, kissing my own lips, saying, “I love...”
– Allen Ginsberg, New York, Dec. 30, 1951
Today
Today was no fun whatsoever. I end up waking up and get to a crying fit because I’m pretty sure I’m a failure and won’t get into any school I apply to. (The anxiety is just too much to deal with, sometimes.) And while I know I am intelligent and everything, I struggle with things sometimes. I thought I was able to create a strong narrative to overcome these issues, but Wake...
“For all that, and though the live-oak glistens there in Louisiana solitary in a...”
– Leaves of Grass, Walt Whitman (p. 108)
Disappointment
I didn’t really expect to get into Wake Forest University. But I’m already feeling disappointed. If I didn’t get in there, I wonder how on Earth I will be able to get into Pitzer, which is equally as selective, if not more. And if I do not get into Pitzer, I will truly feel like I have failed. A little overdramatic, perhaps. But still, when you invest so much time and money into...
Secret memoir of a former Communist Party Official... →
5/15
My bones are somehow soft. Formless spectre drifting, languidly over the Earth. It all seems so vast and unmentionable. My fear, precipitous and consuming. I look in the mirror and see my innards: large intestine, pancreas, brain, bowel, quivering, wondering what the hell the future holds, in my arms I imagine a baby, (no, not a baby, not right) in my arms I imagine a black widow, I am alone, in a...
